


Surely Unsure

by bigred_ashlyn



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F, Inspired by The Half of It (2020), Multi, going through the events of the movie with stronger POV, this is based on a quote i found
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28918416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigred_ashlyn/pseuds/bigred_ashlyn
Summary: Ellie Chu is a heathen that plays piano at church and develops a fascination with Aster Flores and how despite her outward appearance there is a profound underlying doubt in everything Aster does.Aster is tired of being unsure about everything in her life and how everyone around here is so much more confident in who they are.(first chapter ellie POV and second chapter aster POV)
Relationships: Aster Flores & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores, Trig Carson/Aster Flores
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	1. Don't Save Her

**Author's Note:**

> i've watched this movie five times and am still worried about characterization. also i'm not religious.   
> please comment!! leave kudos if warranted!! thanks :)

Ellie Chu knew that those who went to church were the type of people who wanted to be saved. 

They believed in God, or they believed in what the pastor was saying. They believed in Heaven, in a Hell, in salvation even while staying in a town like Squahamish. They went to confession to confess all the bad things they thought about, the bad things they said, the bad things they did. They wanted solutions to their problems without ever solving their problems. They sang songs that Ellie played the accompaniment too. From their voices, even from the alcove where Ellie played, she could tell that some of them  _ did  _ believe. The voices had a certain quality, certain-god she hated that she thought it- _ holiness.  _ Others, well they didn’t know the words as well or they were wavering or you could tell that they were only singing because their parents dragged them to church every Sunday. Oddly enough, Squahamish was home to many families that believed in religion past the major holidays. Therefore, Ellie found herself in this predicament almost every week, but then again, it didn’t hurt. Sometimes, she needed an escape from the train stations and the black and white grainy movies of her father. 

So she plays the accompaniment and gets accustomed to staring at Aster Flores. 

She does it at church. In the music room. Sometimes, she’ll see her in the hallway. And Ellie isn’t afraid to admit it, it’s a nice distraction. She begins to notice the way Aster’s gaze changes from when she’s looking at something intently with love or admiration to the way it becomes resigned when listening to her boyfriend-he was her boyfriend right? Ellie wasn’t sure from looking afar but that was the general consensus of the school that they were dating. Aster seemed to shrink into her green jackets and floral dresses, into her pink scarf that the other  _ popular  _ girls gave her whenever someone started talking over her. Ellie noticed the way Aster was always there. She’s always wanting to help a teacher if they need it. Or pick up books in the hallway when you drop them. 

Ellie has learned this from personal experience. It’s how she learned that Aster Flores knew who she was, and maybe even looked at her too. 

But that wishful thinking. 

And Ellie Chu was accustomed to wishful thinking. Hell, she used to daydream about getting  _ out  _ of Squahamish. The brochures that her english teacher gave her enabled the daydreams. Grinell. Apparently, someone could spend the best years of their life  _ away  _ from Squahamish and  _ still  _ come back here. Ellie couldn’t see how that was possible. 

It’s after she starts writing the letters to some girl. It’s after she starts writing letters to  _ Aster Flores  _ that she can kind of see how. 

It’s not that she’s in love with Aster. She would have to  _ know  _ Aster for that to be the case. The most that Ellie Chu is with Aster Flores is  _ fascinated, intrigued, wanting to know more.  _

And lucky for Ellie, Paul is oblivious to how much Ellie is intrigued by Aster. 

The quote from No Exit is repeating in her head that day Aster’s driving to her to her favorite place.  _ Hell  _ is  _ other people.  _ And Ellie knows that it’s true-and that she has to  _ remember _ \- that it’s true because Aster is really pretty when she’s focused on driving. And there’s this song that’s playing in the background that she’s humming along to.  _ I used to be seventeen,  _ how fitting. And every so often Ellie will stop looking at Aster, and turn her attention to the trees that turn into green blurs sprouting out of the gravel. When she looks at the trees, Ellie can almost feel Aster looking at her. She could check so easily by turning her head but that would ruin it. Just like Paul coming clean about the letters would ruin it.

_ Hell is other people,  _ she reminds herself as she gets one last glimpse of Aster before she pulls over. Ellie could almost imagine staying in Squahamish with Aster. And driving like this for the next five years. It wouldn’t be hard. Or sad. Or hopeless. Driving with Aster is kinda nice. 

And  _ what the hell is she thinking.  _ Aster opens the car door and glances at Ellie. 

“Well, are you coming or not heathen?” 

It’s the fact that Aster calls her that.  _ Heathen.  _

A reminder that Aster Flores is a church goer. Ellie doesn’t know to what extent she believes because sometimes her voice wavers-similar to the way Aster shrinks into herself sometimes. But Aster is always singing and her voice returns to the fullness once Aster blinks it away. 

Ellie gets out of the car, unsure of where they’re going. Because even after all these letters, Ellie has no clue of what Aster Flores’s favorite place would even be. 

“Yeah. I’m  _ right _ …  _ behind…  _ you-” Ellie says as they wander into a forest clearing that leads way to a hot spring. 

Aster turns to her and smiles. 

Ellie follows. 

It’s when they’re floating in the water later that Aster turns the conversation to Trig, her boyfriend. Who apparently everyone expects to propose at some point. Ellie thinks high school is a little early to be making those decisions but really what does she know? 

“I think I’ll say yes. If he asks. I mean, I should, right? I should marry Trig?” 

Aster is asking her what to do. Aster is asking for an answer, asking for a solution to a problem. It’s unlikely she’ll even listen to what Ellie says truly, much less actually follow it. There’s a hesitation in her gaze that Ellie detects easily because she’s seen it before. 

Aster wants to be saved from her doubt. From her uncertainty. From a relationship she clearly isn’t invested in but has been resigned to since the day Ellie first noticed Aster. 

And Ellie can’t save her. 

Ellie shouldn’t save her. 

No one, except God if you believe in that stuff, can save someone else. 


	2. She Don't Want to Be Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster POV from hot springs to the end of the movie (unsure to sure)

“I should marry Trig right?” was a question that Aster Flores asked herself way too often. 

The only question she asked herself more was about believing in God. The latter one at least has philosophical value. Hundreds of people before her had asked about it, had written about it. Marrying Trig was the worry, the doubts of a small town girl with nowhere to go. A girl too afraid to go after what she really wants. A girl who allows herself to get lost in the moment while singing and then forces herself to adjust her perceptions the second she runs out of lyrics. A girl who hoards notebooks and sketches in them under her desk, instead of over it. The one who insists on a painting class to fulfill the elective credit when defending the choice to her parents instead of being honest with them. Aster Flores was a girl trying to figure out who she was. And the time for that was running out. And she knew that. 

Perhaps that was why she was interested in Paul Munsky and Ellie Chu. 

She had kissed Paul a few times. They had milkshakes and once Paul had informed her of the deliciousness, dipped their fries in them. He brought up books only then to squander the conversation in a way that suggested that he knew absolutely nothing of what he was talking about. He was the type of guy to say i love nazis-the ones in the book i mean, and find a way to  _ own  _ it. Aster was just relieved for a chance to talk about her dad. The girls at school didn’t want to hear it, and it wasn’t like Trig was any support. Paul listened. Even if he didn’t understand. He listened, and he knew who he was. And that was enough for Aster when interacting with him irl. 

The Paul from the letters, and the late night texting, was different. He knew movies. He knew literature enough to not only pass a conversation but write whole letters dissecting it. He talked about being a simple guy, and yet he seemed anything but. He did graffiti murals on public walls and knew how to quip and joke. And still, Night Paul like Day Paul  _ knew  _ who he was. He was  _ certain.  _

Aster barely knew Ellie Chu. She could joke that Ellie was her father’s favorite heathen. And she could play piano really well. From what Aster saw, Ellie was also a talented writer. But she’d never read any of Ellie’s writings. Perhaps, that was a good thing. Although word around school was that she was in the essay writing business for anyone who could pay. Aster didn’t judge, especially not when she knew what her family had to do to make their situation work. Ellie had found a way that worked for her, and at least she didn’t have girls gossiping in the bathroom while she was only mere feet away staring in the mirror. Ellie was there that day. She didn’t say anything and that was probably the best she could’ve done. 

They weren’t really  _ friends.  _ Aster was friends-Paul wanted to be more than that, but Aster could barely handle one relationship much less two-with Paul and Paul was best friends with Ellie. Close enough that Aster found her at his house following her spring break Trig. She was borrowing books or something. It wasn’t out of character for Ellie, yet Aster still felt like something else was going on. 

“So You and Paul?” she had asked Ellie. 

“No.  _ No.  _ We’re just friends. He really likes  _ you. _ ” 

“Yeah okay,” Aster wasn’t sure what to say next. 

If there  _ was  _ something going on between Paul and Ellie, it seemed to be merely on Paul’s side. It seemed good as time as any to show off the painting. She was kinda proud of it. 

“I like the stroke off to the side,” Ellie had said, ringing a small bell in the back of Aster’s mind. It was something Night Paul would say. “Lonely but  _ hopeful. _ ” 

It was at that moment-although she wouldn’t vocalize it until much later- that she knew she should take Ellie to the special place. Maybe, Ellie would have some of the answers she was looking for. Even if she didn’t, Ellie still understood art and would listen to her. 

Which was what led Aster to ask the question out loud, freeing it from the echochamber that existed in her head. The second that it sounded off her lips, she started to regret it. She tried to shrug it off and she noticed Ellie looking at her weirdly. As if she was confused by the entire basis of the question. 

“I mean everyone  _ expects  _ it. I should marry Trig,” Aster decided. 

They were floating there in that hot spring, their eyes facing the sky. Ellie wasn’t judging her, but she wasn’t exactly offering advice. That was probably for the best. 

Ellie understood heavy silences. She understood the small constant weight of things. That was how she could come up with sentences like, “Gravity is matter’s response to loneliness.” 

Aster felt the weight in her lift a little. She turned to Ellie and asked, “Who said that?” 

“I don’t know,” Ellie admitted. 

Aster chuckled. “Then you said it.” 

They floated like that for a while, and eventually it occured to Aster that they couldn’t float there forever. They would have to get back in the truck. Aster would have to place her wet hands on the steering wheel. Put her foot on the gas. Check to make sure Ellie was buckled in and then drive back to Squahamish. 

And she would go back to church. 

And go back to Trig. 

And she would say yes.

It wouldn’t save her from this loneliness, but maybe she didn’t want to be. The loneliness allowed her to paint the flower. To add the bold stroke off to the side that changed it from just a painting of a flower to a painting that evoked hope and loneliness at the same time. 

She expects the proposal at the church. Love is patient, love is kind. It’s too cliche to not be leading over to a playing of harpsichord, releasing of doves, dropping of rose petals. It’s  _ romantic.  _ Who decided that? Aster doesn’t know but she does know that it just  _ is.  _ Trig doesn’t even bother to get on one knee. 

And then, he’s interrupted. 

By Ellie of all people. 

And she was going against  _ everything  _ labeled as romantic. Against everything was cliche. And it sounded like something out of Paul’s letters. And Aster knew. 

It had been Ellie the whole time. 

And her heart sank. Paul had caught feelings for Ellie, and Ellie had caught feelings for her, and yet even with everything that seemed to change, Aster was still unsure. Trig had just proposed, and was Aster  _ really  _ going to say yes? That would make her father happy, and her mom too. Trig would look good enough in a tux, but Aster doubted she would be happy with him as a  _ husband.  _

Everyone around her seemed to know. And the only answers she could find were through a paintbrush to paper. 

Ellie’s words echoed in her head.  _ “Is this the boldest stroke you can make?”  _

She told Trig no, following the church outing. It took three repeats of her words for it to sink into his thick skull that  _ yes, she was breaking up with him.  _ He then made sure that the town was aware that it was  _ mutual, _ and that if it wasn’t, it was only because  _ he  _ had broken up with  _ her.  _

It isn’t a flower she paints this time. 

But rather a hot spring with two figures floating in the water. Their legs are soaked in water and their feet are angled down. You can see the reflections of their faces in the water and Aster creates ripples in the water right next to where their bodies are. Aster doesn’t show the painting to her father. But she does include it in her portfolio. 

She titles it  _ Certainty.  _

“I can be sure!” she finds herself yelling at Ellie. 

The words have been in her head for a while tucked behind the loud doubts. They’ve been hiding while images of rings and wedding dresses took center stage. But they’re here now, and the wedding dresses have been chucked in the trash and there’s not going to be a ring on her finger. Ellie’s not convinced. 

“In five years, I’m going to be  _ so sure,”  _ Aster emphasizes. 

She doesn’t know why but she knows it’s important that Ellie knows. That Aster has finally got on the same level as her. As Paul. As even Trig-as thick headed as he is, he at least is sure in it. Aster Flores doesn’t need to be told what to do. Doesn’t need to be saved. She can save herself. She’s applying to art school. She broke  _ up  _ with Trig. 

“Oh yeah?” Ellie laughs back. 

And yet, it still surprises Aster when Ellie brushes her lips against hers. It doesn’t last long. The kiss. Ellie’s hands cup her face, pulling her lips away. 

“See you in five years,” she says, and then Ellie is back on her bike. 

And she is gone. 

Aster stands there, in the middle of the street, smiling. 


End file.
